I'm sorry I've just about disappeared from my blog lately. Transitioning to a real-live working adult has been more time-consuming than I originally thought it would be. And...
The main reason I haven't been blogging is that I haven't been enjoying myself lately. Jasper's returned to his early days of spooking, I'm feeling insecure in the saddle, and I feel like it's a matter of time before something catastrophic happens. Sometimes I feel like I'm riding a ticking time bomb. Add to the fact that the last two endurance rides we've done, I've had odd physical pains that haven't been reinforcing any warm fuzzy feelings towards endurance lately (ankle, shin-bruises, odd knee pains).
When things like this occur, I tend to get reflective. What has changed? How am I contributing to the problem? Is there an underlying medical/pain condition that is causing the problem? Etc, etc.
When did this start?
- 3/10: Our first ride of the season went pretty well from a technical/physical standpoint. Mentally, Jasper was ready to move up to a 50 and let me know so by acting like a jerk for 25 miles (hello head-tossing). Something was NQR at this time, and I remember playing with stirrup length in order to try to remedy the situation. I shortened my stirrups by a hole, which seemed to help and then promptly forgot about it.
- Early May: Our second ride of the season, the 60 miler, went very well from just about every standpoint except my physical discomfort (stupid sock bruises). Jasper was still at a lower weight--not thin, but not well-covered like he is now.
- Mid May: While I was gone, Jasper ballooned. He looked fabulous and has kept the weight on since then.
- Late May: This is when I started having an uneasy feeling. I used to swing myself into the saddle and get an "Ahh..." type feeling. Like I clicked into place and felt comfortable and secure. Our second 50 left me feeling uneasy--I had that odd excruciatingly painful knee pain, and felt unbalanced and off unless we were going up hills. Jasper started spooking again sometime before the ride, and it was so bad at the ride I couldn't lead at all. Not typical for leader Jasper, the horse who prefers to be out front.
- June: This last month has been difficult with Jasper. I haven't enjoyed riding him at all and have had several rides where I've gotten so frustrated I wonder why I bother with the horse stuff at all. Began fantasizing about everything I could do if we didn't have horses. Continued to ride, but only because I had to. Started dreading conditioning rides, had mild panic attacks before conditioning rides, etc etc.
- July: See June. Decided to quit doing endurance and take a break from the horses, but promised Wayne I would keep doing conditioning rides with him on the weekends. I thought maybe by decreasing the "stress" of competition, I would remedy the problem. No dice. Have fond memory of one fateful ride where I dismounted, ripped off my fleece saddle cover (thinking it was contributing to the problem), remounted and felt more off balance than I ever have before. I had Wayne trot Jasper out several times for me--was he off? Why doesn't this feel right anymore? Thought I saw something hinky in his let hind, but on reflection, I think I was looking for an excuse for an easy "out" of riding. Never saw funny step again. Arena riding has deteriorated completely--Jasper wants to travel with his head up, back hollowed, and spooks at everything (including invisible things!). This is when I sat down to think critically--what the heck was going on?
How am I contributing to the problem?
- Back in April (?), I was on a conditioning ride with a good friend. We had done quite a bit of cantering with Jasper in the lead. He had been so, so excellent the entire time. When I pulled him up to walk back to the ranch, he spooked BIG at a puddle and I came off. Whenever things like this happen, they tend to mind-fuck me for a little while afterwards (pardon my french, but this is really the most perfect term for what I feel). I know I've been more cautious since this happened and have been more tense in the saddle, anticipating big spooks. However, I've started feeling more insecure in the saddle, leading to this horrible self-propagating cycle.
- Jasper and I haven't been riding alone a lot. I did my first two endurance rides with other people, and I've generally started feeling insecure about riding alone, which is unusual. I think this is another side effect of everything above.
- I have had my mind on other personal, non-horse related issues that may mean making horse sacrifices in the future. I have the most amazing self-preservation instinct and tend to try to minimize my concerns by pretending I would be THANKFUL to have an excuse for a break from the horses. But the fact of the matter is, I love them more than just about everything and the thought that life may change and I may be forced to take time off from them just about kills me. Ultimately, it will be worth it, but it's scary. Really scary.
- My job is scary sometimes. I love love love what I do, but striving to keep everyone happy can be stressful. I know, I know, welcome to adulthood. I'm learning (slowly) that I can't make everyone happy and that so long as I have integrity about it, putting myself and my family first is really the most important and best thing I can do.
Is there an underlying pain/medical condition causing the problem?
- I really am not sure about this. I will explore it in the near future if my current ideas are incorrect. I can't find any back soreness, his teeth are great, he does it in a bit, he does it in a hackamore, he does it in the sun, the rain, the wind, everything. His feet may or may not be going through a very mild sore phase, and so I'm exploring using boots for my next conditioning ride to see if some of the hollowed stuff doesn't resolve. But he's also doing this in the arena, which has wonderful footing. If he still feels odd after, I will think about having him adjusted.
My conclusions
After thinking about this for entirely too long, it suddenly occurred to me that much of my physical/mental discomfort stemmed from feeling insecure in the saddle, and this was likely causing at least a portion of Jasper's reactions. My insecurity increased exponentially after he gained all that weight, and his fitness level is above and beyond where it was at it's best last season (shocker, eh?). That's when the lightbulb clicked and I realized I may be dealing with saddle fit. Although Jasper's sweat patterns have been 100% after all our rides and it appeared to be straight and balanced prior to me being in the saddle, I had a friend comment that it tipped forward when I was mounted and would rise off his back. So I twisted Wayne's arm and had him come out to the arena and take pictures of me mounted and emailed them to Nancy Okun at Trumbull Mountain Tack. I told her what had been going on and asked for advice. She looked at the pictures and agreed that I seemed to be tipped forward and fighting to push my position further back. She recommended I shim the front of my saddle in order to restore the balance to where it should be, which I did. And although it helped a little, it did not fix the problem.
So I came home and sat down with my most wonderful husband and discussed my options. It is his "turn" to get a new saddle--I've had several over the past few years and he's riding in a used Abetta. He agreed with me that the problem needed to be fixed, and offered to take my saddle to refit for Obsidian and kindly told me I was free to purchase something that worked better for Jasper and I. This is why I married him.
So here we are, two weeks from my next ride with two saddles on their way from Vermont to try. I will get in good rides in both saddles before Pink Flamingo, and depending on how it goes, may ride day 1 in one saddle and day 2 in the other. Which brings me to why I love Trumbull Mountain--the week-long trial period is the most amazing marketing tool ever. And the trial period is only a week, but they are very flexible, which is why it will not be a problem for me to give the saddles a really, really good evaluation. I'm worried about using something so new at a ride, but have faith I can tweak a few things in the week leading up to the ride enough to make it pleasant for both of us.
If this doesn't solve the problem, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Saddle Before
You can see the back of the saddle lifting off his back here while my butt's out of the saddle.
You can see the back of the saddle lifting off his back with my butt IN the saddle.
This one sums up how I feel--tipped forward trying to fight my way backwards.
This picture just makes me happy--two of my favorite boys (not pictured: Onyx) playing nicely together. And I can't get over Jasper's reach! Jasper was a pure angel with Wayne in the saddle, which warmed my cold little heart right up.
5 comments:
I know where you are coming from! For a while Huck was doing this spooking thing as I mounted. Some days he'd try to blow up right as I settled into the saddle, other days it was as I addressed the reins and put the slack on the off side. I worried it was a saddle fit issue or some source of pain. Mentally, I've had to work really hard on getting over it, and now Huck's back to normal. I found that if I tensed and expected Huck to be foolish, he'd live up to my expectations.
Are you familiar with Jane Savoie? She has a few books (That Winning Feeling and It's Not Just About the Ribbons) that are basically sports psychology for riders. It's not just about winning but about overcoming fear and the expectations you set for yourself. I was doubtful years ago when my friend told me to read her books and give her techniques a try. I was able to hear her speak not long after I finished That Winning Feeling. I have copies of both books and reread sections frequently. It helps with the mind-over-matter parts of riding that we all inevitably face.
On a different note, from your pictures, you appear to tip forward at your pelvis. This could be a saddle issue, a rider issue, or a bit of both. I used to have a terrible habit of leaning forward, especially at the rising trot. It developed partly from nerves and partly from bad habits developed from fatigue doing distance rides. I really recommend Sally Swift's Centered Riding for helping figure out visual images to remember while riding to work out these kinks. That and a dressage instructor who constantly yells at you to even up and sit back. ;)
Good Luck,
Danielle
I know all about the spook fear cycle. I've been on layoff since my last crash (and resulting heat exhaustion from hiking out in a high state of anxiety looking for my horse). Solo training isn't safe even on a good horse. It can be so frustrating.
The things of note that I picked up on were the weight gain and the change in the length of your stirrups.
First the stirrups. Where they are adjusted can make or break your good ride, and feeling of balance. I found this out by accident. Had struggled all along with that tipping forward feeling, and wasted so much energy trying to ride the horse that I wasn't enjoying the horse. Fate entered and I wore out a hole in my leathers. I could go longer and lose my stirrup, or go up a notch. It went up...and suddenly I felt remarkably balanced for the first time in FIVE YEARS. It wasn't lessons, or practice, or hours on the trail, just a simple one inch adjustment of the length of my leathers. It is a really big deal.
Jasper having gained weight could be a twofold problem.
First is he getting more chow than he needs to make him act hot and goofy, and second the fat deposits change how the saddle fits. Phebes has been through five saddles with her changing body. A saddle only fits "today", unless you can maintain your horse at a constant weight which none of use really can.
You are definitely on the right track.
Remember that Endurance is a personal thing. For some it is chasing points, and for others to just enjoy the ride. Don't let it become work. If you need a break, take it.
Good luck on the new saddle! ~E.G.
Danielle-
You make very good points--I may look into reading one of your books.
And I definitely tip forward! I've done it for oh, about 20 years now and I think it's because I'm tall and feel a little "out there" when I sit back! I swear it used to be much better. I dug out recent pictures of myself in a show in high school and I'm doing the same darn thing. I swear it was better last season, though. I'm definitely going to take some lessons this fall once things settle down a bit!
EG- I hear ya with the stirrup challenge! I did hunter/jumper when I was younger and would regularly balk at how short the instructor would demand my stirrups. But, alas, she was always right, and it always helped!
Elly
Elly -
Look into the books and find what works well for you.
Learning to sit back is REALLY hard. I did a Centered Riding clinic last year and that helped the most - we spent half of our mounted time being led around at a walk on our horses so that we could focus on our position.
It's not just learning to pull your shoulders back, but all the angle changes that go along with it. Sitting back on your seat bones and keeping your shoulders square requires that your hip (and in response, knee) angle open A LOT. So that's one thing you have to adjust to. Plus you have to adjust to having a longer rein now that you're sitting several inches back than you were previously. It's really hard!
I imagine I have a laser beam coming out of my sternum at a 45* angle. If I lean forward, I loose that angle on the laser beam. I've also had to learn to use my core by sitting in this manner. If you've ever ran, it's a similar feeling to when you figure out the most efficient running form and feel like you're "sitting" on your core over your hips -- or at least, that's what it feels like to me.
Another thing that helps to to really plan my turns. If you overturn your head during a turn (to look where you're going), you end up leaning forward and/or dropping a shoulder. Ideally, you're head doesn't turn bast your sternum, so I use an imaginary line running parallel to my sternum.
Does this make any sense? You can also play around with your stirrup position on the bar. I have some images the CR clinician gave me. Perhaps I should scan them to my blog. It goes along with making sure you're centered on your saddle over your horse, with your leg properly under you. I should go did those out...
((hugs)) I think we all go through phases like this. Sometimes it's fear, sometimes discomfort, sometimes just plain old burnout. I took ALL last winter off from horses, for crying out loud. Sometimes, you just need to let it go -- that desire will ALWAYS come back.
On the other hand, I'm also a big believer in pushing through the hard times, the mental barriers...this is particulary important when the hesitation is fear-based, as opposed to burnout.
Either way, you'll pull through. :)
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